Irene cocked her head to the right wedging the phone between her ear and her shoulder. She transferred the last handful of heavy, damp socks and underwear from the washer into the dryer and swung the door shut with a metallic thud. “I just don’t know Connie. Tell me again what he looks like.”
Connie sighed. “I’ve told you three times. He’s about 6’3,” Clean shaven. Broad shoulders. Narrow waste. His biceps must be at least 16 inches around. He’s perfect, and he’s good at what he does.”
Irene moved into the living room where the television was already on and turned to some small claims court show, Judge the People or The People’s Judgment–she could never remember which was which. There wasn’t enough time left to start dinner before she’d have to pick the kids up from school, so she started to leaf through the day’s junk mail hoping to find a pizza coupon. “Well how much is it? You know Larry’s two months behind on alimony.”
“Oh, now it’s not that much,” Connie replied, “only $50 and hour. You know, the best way for you to make sure you’re always able to take care of your children’s needs is to make sure your needs are taken care of as well. Why not do this for you?”
Irene clipped a coupon for $3 off a large two topping pizza with a free 2-liter of soda and thought of how many discounted pizzas she’d need to order to make up the $50.
After the line was silent for longer than was comfortable, Connie asked, “Whatcha thinkin’, hon?”
“Oh, I don’t know. It’s just–does he have a professional name or something that he works under? I just can’t imagine being spanked by a man name Todd.”
“Well, lord, Irene. What does the man’s name have to do with anything?”
“I know it’s silly, but I just always pictured a Victor or a Cyrus or something. Something strong. Every time I think of Todd, all I can picture is that Palin guy with the goatee. If I wanted a goofy looking guy with a goatee, I could just go back to Larry.”
“Irene, you just trust me on this one. He’s good. Very good. Todd worked me very hard the last time I saw him. Paddles, gags, the works. I couldn’t sit for three days.”
“Ooh, that does sound like just what I need. Larry wouldn’t so much smack my bottom when we were together. Will Todd choke me if I ask him to?”
“Honey, for the right price he’ll wrap his hands around your throat til you see stars.”
“Wait a minute, I thought you said he was only $50,” Irene said, suddenly deflated.
“It is only fifty, but, you know, some incidentals might cost you a little extra.”
“That’s always the way these schemes work, isn’t it? They get you in there with a good price, and once they’ve got you tied to the bed, they try to sell you all the extras. Same thing happened when I took my car in for its oil change last week.”
“The boys at the Jiffy Lube tied you to a bed?” Connie could barely get the words out before both women were doubled over in laughter until Irene finally stopped herself.
“Hell, look at the time, Connie,” Irene said, wiping tears from here face. “The kids’ll be out of school in ten minutes. I’d better get going. E-mail me Todd’s contact information, will ya?”
“I’ll do that right now, and I’ll include the pricing menu. Say, I’ve got an appointment next Thursday. Let me know if you can get in the same morning and we can drive together, maybe get lunch after.”
“Oh, that would be nice, Connie. That would be real nice.”